Doctors Baffled By New Disorder

Broomfield, CO- Doctors and scientists announced the discovery of a new disorder Sunday, but are thus far unable to diagnose or explain it according to information attained during yesterday’s press conference.

According to doctors and eyewitnesses, Kareem “The Big Higgins” Loggins was working out at the local 6 Hour Fitness at his usual time when something unusual began to happen.

“He yelled a bunch of numbers as he was pushing the waits up during the bench press,” said 6 Hour Fitness patron Tom Roosevelt, better known as the old guy who always looks like he’s about to die when he works out.

“I didn’t think much of it at first,” Roosevelt continued, “But then he yelled them again and I noticed a pattern so I wrote them down. Turns out it was his social security number.”

Things only got stranger from there according to Roosevelt. At one point Loggins was heard bellowing “My best friend John has three nipples!” during his squat press. Later as he continued to lift weights he yelled “Chris has a thing for midgets!” referring to his friend Chris’s affinity for Dwarf women.

“He was yelling secrets when he strained himself,” stated Dr. Bill “I dare you to try to read my signature” Meadows of the Important and Professional Medical Establishment at the press conference.

“The disorder, which we are tentatively naming ‘Weird’ is like Tourette’s Syndrome, only combined with being untrustworthy so he yells deep secrets instead of random seal noises” said Dr. Meadows.

Loggins, who does not realize that he’s saying these things, claims that he does not have a lot of secrets and would never yell them in public if he did. “That would like, be mean of me,” he said.

But then I gave him a jar of pickles and asked him to open the lid.

As he strained to unscrew the “accidentally” glued-on lid, he roared “My mom once flashed Twisted Sister because she thought they were Queen!”

Hey nobody set any rules about this in journalism college.

Just When You Thought You Were Safe, We Pull You Back In

Well folks, the proverbial sternum has been pushed repeatedly and the sweet air of analogy has been breathed into the lungs of Swords and Trampolines after a long spell of metaphorical death.

Our sincere apologies to those of you left weeping and gnashing your teeth in our absence. What can we say but meth is one hell of a drug.

Actually, truth be told, higher powers than us tried to clip our wings and cancel us during the past few weeks. They said we were not supporting the true spirit of Thanksgiving, and we had taken a strong anti-turkey approach in recent writings. (Look people steak is the best and should be eaten all the time, by everyone, everywhere. Just make the steak stuffed with turkey.)

Anyway, our absence hasn't gone unnoticed. By ourselves. Naked. Actually, we didn't mean that: we take it back.

Thanks again for joining us, with the combined hits from the editors and their mothers (sorry, mom), our publication has reached over 200 viewings.

Now, this doesn't include the 10 times that we asked a few of you to "hit reload" because there was allegedly "new content." We take no responsibility for the pending content on our site, which today you will find to be a beautiful bounty of two of the greatest videos you have ever seen, and two of the worst stories known to man.

Ahh yes. Happy Holidays to you all, and be assured that we will not go quietly into the night. Unless our mothers come out here and hit us with frying pans. Again.

Stop it, mom.

Booty Excavation for the week of December 13

A Little Extra Help For You Four Eyes – An Editorial

Well I had to do it. I’ve gone my entire life without it but I just had to do it. I needed it. I just had to have it, I couldn’t take the abstinence any longer.

I got glasses.

What’d you think I meant? I ate meat for the first time? Get out of my room and leave me alone.

Oh, right, there’s more to be said. So since glasses are going to be a part, albeit slight, of my life, I naturally chose with great care the establishment where I would procure these new seeing mirrors and settled on the Buckingham Palace, nay, the Taj Mahal of vision care, the Wal-Mart Supercenter.

Now the thing that struck me about this experience was not the fuzzy charts, the close breathing of the optometrist, or the fact that I tried on women’s frames for about five minutes before I realized what I was doing (though I did look strangely pretty).

No the thing that got me was the accessories a visitor to the vision center can purchase. These are more than the frames, shades, straps, nose pads, lens cleaner, or any of the 70 things directly to do with glasses.

Telescopes. Big stacks of telescopes, and microscopes were placed around the room, I guess just in case they had a patient that was beyond help by normal lenses.

“Well we tried inch-thick lenses and they still don’t work for you Elbert, why don’t you just take a couple of these telescopes home with you.”

Isn’t that the insult you hear in middle school/yesterday? “Hey telescope eyes how many fingers am I holding up? Why are you wearing those old clothes? Why doesn’t your dad work harder so you won’t be poor?” I didn’t like middle school. Or yesterday.

Putting these various ‘scopes in there seems to me to be an indirect, somewhat clever jab at we, the seeing impaired, similar to naming the process of getting a nose job Rhinoplasty, as Jerry Seinfeld has mentioned before.

Clearly we all realize there is a problem, that’s why we have come to the vision center to try to correct it. This underhanded shot at the squinters of the world is unnecessary. Why not just put up a big sign that proclaims “Need help Seeing? Skip the Eye Exam and Clunky Frames and just Walk Away with a Brand New Telescope!!”

They also sold, even more randomly, metal detectors in the vision center.

I didn’t see where they were going with that one until I read a little closer: “Now with a Bigger Digital Display Screen!” (That you might actually be able to see now Blindy.)

Space Shuttle Program “Discovers” Potential

Hot on the heels of reality TV, NASA has wasted no time to get their own reality show into the mix. Sponsored by Fox, NASA will have a slot in the weekly lineup of brand new shows coming this fall with their very own “NASA Files,” to be aired at 9 p.m. Eastern Time starting on Thursday, January 4, 2007.

The show comes at a time when Space Shuttle Discovery is docked at the International Space Station and making additions/repairs (we have to beat those Russians somehow). The show, coupled with the program are critical for NASA’s future success and missions.

“I think it’s important to show people just how difficult it is to get a shuttle to leave our planet,” rocket scientist Jim Braggin exclaims. “I mean, this program is critical, we’re not spending 10 billion dollars a year on protective heat shield tiles now are we?”

The show will mainly focus on different ways to “trick out” a space shuttle, for all of those billionaire fan boys who own big rockets. Certain shuttles will be made to order, similar to MTV’s “Pimp my Ride” or Discovery Channel’s “American Chopper.”

On a test audience, viewers were so thrilled with the concept that they had reportedly converted their couches into space modules and TV trays into satellites. One family even claimed to have freeze-dried ice cream and tried to simulate zero gravity in their kitchen, to no avail.

The show will begin with the introduction of the crews who will pimp out the shuttles, and the flying crews that will eventually help them get into outer space. Into outer space. It sounds weird, but in this case, the double negative does not mean a positive. Initially, Fox has signed up for 12 episodes to last until mid-May.

“We will be spending a lot of time together in these big ole’ hangars, so I wouldn’t be surprised if we run into a brouhaha every now and again,” insider informant Mark Brown stated.

With reality television’s ratings on the decline, one has to wonder whether Fox’s move will be a hit or a miss. Insider analysts say it is too soon to tell, but one man feels differently.

“This show will be a hit. Remember ‘The Walton’s?’ Yeah, it’ll be bigger than that I would project. I’m expecting our success to be somewhere between Mr. T and Bobby Brady. You just never know with these things,” Said Ron Purdue.

Isn’t that the truth?

Booty Excavation for the week of December 13

Here we are, at long last.

Starbucks CEO Canned For Crazy Antics

The CEO and co-founder of Starbucks, Mark Beanie has been reportedly asked to resign by the board of directors for the international coffee chain. What began as a stable career in profitable coffee turned out to spell certain death for Mark, as his “wild ideas” began to alarm other higher-ups working for Starbucks.

“It really started back when the company made it big. Nearly 10 years ago, Mark would go around Seattle, demanding ‘high-fives’ and then saying ‘Thanks a latte.’ We knew he was weird, but that just kind of didn’t seem normal,” says new CEO and co-founder Bill Torres. “We decided to keep a close eye on him.”

At an annual conference, Mark bellowed out to the 1,500 crowd: "I want to have a handicapped person believe that they can overcome their crushing life circumstances when drinking Starbucks Coffee. Even though we know that most cannot, its a time for generosity. Introducing the ‘Beyond all Sense Blend.’"

The waters became calm after a strict reprimand, stating Starbucks would not be releasing the alleged “flavor.”

After several years without incident, things had remained relatively calm in Seattle until the spring of 2005. “Mark started to yell obscenities from his office at the phone” administrative assistant Rose Tedgood stated late Thursday evening. “Trouble was, the phone line was empty. He was speaking to an inanimate object, with no one on the other line.”

No one seemed to think this was particularly abnormal either, until he started to sleep in his office and demand that every coffee bean was accounted for. “It didn’t matter if it was in a trash can in Atlanta, or in somebody’s mouth in Denver,” said Torres. “Mark was adamant that every bean be found and accounted for.”

This didn’t seem to be too out of character, as Mark was seen as a bean counter. But when he demanded every bean not used for drinks be shipped personally to him, eyebrows were raised, though he was allowed to continue this behavior behind closed doors. The hammer would come down soon enough, as the corporation felt Beanie just wasn’t cutting it.

“I began to grow worried when Mark wouldn’t even show up for our meetings on a weekly basis. He started to demand that these beans would be sent in through a mail slot in his door. Seeing him became so infrequent, I had to knock on the door to make sure he wasn’t dead. He bellowed out a hardy ‘Harumph!’ and I just went on my way, shaking my head,” Torres stated.

Apparently the last straw to the whole ordeal was when Mark sent out a company memo and addressed it to “The Peons.” Midway through the memo he stated that their winter lineup was about to be revealed to franchises worldwide, which was true. What was not true was that they were going to introduce a new flavor, called “Roast Ground from my Ass.” Other flavors reportedly coming were “Hazelnut Hazmat,” “Ramadan Wrath,” and “Semitic Spice.”

“This kind of behavior could no longer be tolerated, so we marched up to Mark’s office and opened the door, only to be flooded by a tidal wave of coffee beans. Mark was swimming in them, much like Uncle Scrooge McDuck from Ducktales did in his money,” Bill Torres claimed.

Once he was informed of his ending job, Beanie became angry and stated “You can’t can me! Beans deserve better than to be shipped off in cans! What do you think you’re doing? Don’t touch those beans!” It was apparent that his condition wasn’t improving, so he was hauled down to the Seattle county jail. He’s being held there on $100,000 bond, to which he reportedly responded: “Mere peanuts to the sack of beans that I’m worth to this company. They’ll never grind me.”

Mark Beanie was born in New Mexico.