College Student Testifies Before Grand Jury About Excessive ‘Poking’

Santa Fe- New Mexico sophomore Tate “The Grand Teton” Jenkins was called before a grand jury last Thursday to answer for his alleged “excessive poking” after several complaints from young Lobo women.

“These allegations are like, totally unbased and unbiased” Jenkins (no his nickname doesn’t make any sense before you ask) said on the courthouse steps after his session with the grand jury. “I did not; have; a poking; relationship; with that woman, or any of those women dude. I just wanted to be friends with them.”

In my research, I was able to attain a sealed envelope revealing that Jenkins stood accused of poking over 612 women including his sister and women from seven different states.

Of course, there was no official symbol on the envelope and anyone could have written that, but the numbers made too much sense to ignore so I just figured they were true.

One of the women who came forward in protest of this excessive poking, Kara Kary Karrington was present at the hearing but declined to comment as her “shame of being poked by that man was just too great.”

Another woman who would not give us her full name, only B. Spears, was upset as well but for a slightly different reason, “I think he had a fake picture up, so who did I really get poked by?”

At this point I realized that Spears believed Jenkins was being accused of excessive Facebook poking, a playful, yet really, really stupid feature of the networking website Facebook.com in which a person can choose to ‘poke’ someone else who just goes, “Oh, I got poked, that person should get a life.”

“Yeah, isn’t that what you thought, I mean what else could it be?” she asked. “I thought he was a sexual predator,” I replied, to which she looked shocked and confused before running away.

I went looking for another sealed envelope to clear everything up, I had found the first one in an old, hollow tree stump. Meanwhile word of the confusion spread rapidly and the District Attorney of Santa Fe held a press conference.

“There may have been a mix-up,” stated Johnny “I have too many press conferences because I have political aspirations” Law. “We all thought that Tate “The Grand Teton” Jenkins was a predator who overused the word ‘poking’ as sexual innuendo. You know, like ‘giddy-up’ or ‘prosecuted.’

“But new information has come to light and we’re now not, really sure what to do” Law concluded looking around blankly.

“Why don’t you ask Jenkins which it is?” someone yelled from the crowd.

“That’s a horrible idea” said Law, “But I don’t have any other options right now. So,” he said turning to Jenkins, “Which is it, facebook or sexual predator?”

“A little bit of both,” I heard Jenkins reply as I walked away.

Santa Fe is a stupid town.