Starbucks CEO Canned For Crazy Antics

The CEO and co-founder of Starbucks, Mark Beanie has been reportedly asked to resign by the board of directors for the international coffee chain. What began as a stable career in profitable coffee turned out to spell certain death for Mark, as his “wild ideas” began to alarm other higher-ups working for Starbucks.

“It really started back when the company made it big. Nearly 10 years ago, Mark would go around Seattle, demanding ‘high-fives’ and then saying ‘Thanks a latte.’ We knew he was weird, but that just kind of didn’t seem normal,” says new CEO and co-founder Bill Torres. “We decided to keep a close eye on him.”

At an annual conference, Mark bellowed out to the 1,500 crowd: "I want to have a handicapped person believe that they can overcome their crushing life circumstances when drinking Starbucks Coffee. Even though we know that most cannot, its a time for generosity. Introducing the ‘Beyond all Sense Blend.’"

The waters became calm after a strict reprimand, stating Starbucks would not be releasing the alleged “flavor.”

After several years without incident, things had remained relatively calm in Seattle until the spring of 2005. “Mark started to yell obscenities from his office at the phone” administrative assistant Rose Tedgood stated late Thursday evening. “Trouble was, the phone line was empty. He was speaking to an inanimate object, with no one on the other line.”

No one seemed to think this was particularly abnormal either, until he started to sleep in his office and demand that every coffee bean was accounted for. “It didn’t matter if it was in a trash can in Atlanta, or in somebody’s mouth in Denver,” said Torres. “Mark was adamant that every bean be found and accounted for.”

This didn’t seem to be too out of character, as Mark was seen as a bean counter. But when he demanded every bean not used for drinks be shipped personally to him, eyebrows were raised, though he was allowed to continue this behavior behind closed doors. The hammer would come down soon enough, as the corporation felt Beanie just wasn’t cutting it.

“I began to grow worried when Mark wouldn’t even show up for our meetings on a weekly basis. He started to demand that these beans would be sent in through a mail slot in his door. Seeing him became so infrequent, I had to knock on the door to make sure he wasn’t dead. He bellowed out a hardy ‘Harumph!’ and I just went on my way, shaking my head,” Torres stated.

Apparently the last straw to the whole ordeal was when Mark sent out a company memo and addressed it to “The Peons.” Midway through the memo he stated that their winter lineup was about to be revealed to franchises worldwide, which was true. What was not true was that they were going to introduce a new flavor, called “Roast Ground from my Ass.” Other flavors reportedly coming were “Hazelnut Hazmat,” “Ramadan Wrath,” and “Semitic Spice.”

“This kind of behavior could no longer be tolerated, so we marched up to Mark’s office and opened the door, only to be flooded by a tidal wave of coffee beans. Mark was swimming in them, much like Uncle Scrooge McDuck from Ducktales did in his money,” Bill Torres claimed.

Once he was informed of his ending job, Beanie became angry and stated “You can’t can me! Beans deserve better than to be shipped off in cans! What do you think you’re doing? Don’t touch those beans!” It was apparent that his condition wasn’t improving, so he was hauled down to the Seattle county jail. He’s being held there on $100,000 bond, to which he reportedly responded: “Mere peanuts to the sack of beans that I’m worth to this company. They’ll never grind me.”

Mark Beanie was born in New Mexico.