Celebrity Sued for the Sexy

Justin Timberlake is being sued by a man who claims to have been “bringing sexy back” long before the pop singer’s enormous hit made it to the radio.

“These kids today think they can just make whatever claims they want,” said Esteban Phillipe, the self-proclaimed spokesman of sexy.

Originally from smoldering Argentina, but now based at his home in Bismarck, North Dakota, Phillipe alleges; softly and through locks of casually draped burnt sienna hair; that he has been either “bringing back sexy” or maintaining a “solid state of sexiness” for nearly 17 years this November.

“When I began in 1989” (he actually said that in Spanish as it sounds much sexier) “sexiness was at an all-time low. The ochentas (80’s) had brought many sexy antidotes such as jam shorts, jellies, and Vanilla Ice. I knew something had to be done.”

Esteban’s answers for this epidemic was to buy many types of lotions, cut off the top two buttons on all of his shirts, and grow out his hair so it could always look like he “just rolled out of bed.”

But by far the most important change he made was to buy his now saucy and infamous leather pants.

“I bought seven pairs,” he whispered, extending one arm to lean coolly against a maple tree. Or maybe it was an oak.

“One for every day of the week and a back-up pair just in case. I do not wear them on Sunday, as I determined long ago that sexiness must give God at least one day a week. And if I wear my pants to church women will think unholy things; la Virgen de Guadalupe would be very upset.”

Phillipe, an employee of Bismarck’s local hairnet factory since day one of his sexy crusade, has received many puzzled looks and raised eyebrow from his fellow workers or, as he call them, “confused unsexies.”

When asked about Esteban’s courageous efforts, coworkers replied with such inspired comments as “Who?” “Huh?” and “That guy is weird.”

Bill, his manager, said, “Who are you talking about? Oh, Steve. Yeah, why does his hair always look like he just rolled out of bed?”

“The guy wears leather pants to work everyday,” said Frank, a coworker. “Sometimes he even comes in with a wet, white T-shirt on for no reason. I’m not sure what he’s going for, but he looks like a cross between George Lopez and, well, Jesus.”

Despite the lack of support from some of his peers, Phillipe plans to follow-through with the lawsuit and perseveres with his daily routine of giving sly, sideways half-smile to women he doesn’t know, and standing on street corners flicking his hair back and forth.

“Just like my leather, I am not easily suede,” he said. “I feel like I’m going to punch you” I said.

“My sincere apologies” he continued over the noise of his leather pants rubbing together as he shifted positions like a cricket with, uh, leather legs.

“Do not cry for me, for as long as there are people who still dress like hair bands and wear hemp necklaces with trucker hats, I’ll be here in Bismarck fighting the good fight. In a sexy way.”

Pontiac to Support End of Poverty

General Motors, the world’s largest automobile manufacturer, announced today that its subdivision Pontiac will sponsor the 2006 G8 summit, and will also unveil its new model, the Pontiac G8 at the same time.

At a press release today, Pontiac’s CEO Willie Luvitt commented “We think it’s time for Pontiac to step up to the plate. We re-introduced the GTO, and have incorporated various new models over the last 2 years. This new unveiling is astounding; I can’t wait to see what happens with it.”

Reportedly, the vehicle will be bigger than the Pontiac G6, which was not unveiled at the G6 summit. It will feature a V8 engine with options for a V12, achieving close to 650 horsepower and 9 miles per gallon (11 on the highway).

While being interviewed, a woman who wished to remain anonymous stated that Pontiac’s vision of the future has changed. “We’ve sponsored a lot of corporations in the past and supported many affiliates. But now we’re thinking beyond Monday Night Football: we’ve reached the digital age.”

What the hell does that mean?

While trying to restore the world to a socialist ideal, leaders from around the world can travel and battle poverty, hunger, and AIDS driving their new Pontiac G8’s. PR spokesperson Suzy Schmlander had this to say of the quest: “We believe there isn’t a more effective way to travel from Central America down to South America. Use the G8, and we’ll see you in Germany next summer.”

God Ready to “Upgrade Earth”

That’s right. In the never-ending attempt to better ourselves as human beings, our Creator has decided that the time has come to upgrade Earth to version 3.0. During this process, our world will be shut down for approximately 3.14 days, to make sure that the infrastructure of the Earth is transferred completely and accurately from God’s servers.

Digital analyst John Wire commented: “Well, it’s inevitable that God would choose to upgrade the Earth. I mean, it hasn’t been done in thousands of years and there are so many compatibility issues. Software just doesn’t run on the hardware effectively anymore.”

Of course the upgrade could prove to be fatal to many, if God happened to “accidentally” bump the “reset” switch. If such a catastrophe were to happen, God has advised us not to panic. Because it’s all a part of His plan.

Once the upgrade is complete, the rumor is that Earth 3.0 will operate with fewer issues in compatibility, be able to run in 3D modes effectively, and will turn prostitutes into born again Christians.

When asked about the second coming of His son, Jesus Christ, God just laughed: “You know; some people tend to believe that He will make an appearance in Missouri. Others believe He will return to Jerusalem. Some say He’s not coming at all. Others say He’s never been. But one thing we can agree upon: nobody knows when He’ll come.”

For being a guy of such power, He sure is vague. We decided that we wouldn’t get anywhere with that line of questioning, so we decided to ask the question that everyone had been waiting to hear: How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a Tootsie-Pop?

His smile turned to a frown as he replied “No comment. Any further questions can be directed to my lawyer.”