FOXNews Makes Ambiguous Claims About ‘Future’ War

FOXNews Channel announced last Saturday that it is moving steadily forward in the broadcast’s quest to “Win the future.”

This vague and weird announcement stems from a popular/unheard of new segment on FNC entitled “Winning the Future,” (seriously) in which the cable network claims they are “Engaged in a modern Trojan War; only, fighting to take the future from evil, ugliness and all democratness, instead of the city of Troy” (not so seriously).

“It’s actually a follow-up to a segment we had about three years ago,” muttered Rupert Hume, self-proclaimed “lieutenant colonel in this great siege.”

“It started a few years back with a segment called ‘Locating the Future,’ which turned out to be a lot harder than many of us anticipated because for the longest time we could not find the damn thing! We spent a lot of time just looking at each other on air and going ‘eh?’ And we just couldn’t win it until we knew where it was.”

FNC finally located the future after someone on the news team randomly said, “So you guys want to smash some mailboxes tomorrow?” “And there it was!” exclaimed Hume. Finally, they were ready to start winning.

But all is not quiet on the Foxy front.

Standing in huddled groups (is it a group if it’s two people and a cat?) outside the studio Saturday were people voicing opinions or something like an opinion over this campaign by FNC.

“Hey! It's not stupid, it's the future and it must be won!” yelled Shafer “ahhhhhhh!” Strechin, the most outspoken and needlessly angry of the shivering masses.

Others, or the one other person, expressed different concerns: “What does ‘winning the future’ mean, anyway?” asked Gloria Estefan (no relation, trust me). “What kind of future can be won? And if we truly are the cheap Chinese food nation we claim to be, shouldn't we already have the future? Is it something you can get in Vegas? What comes out when you get all ‘futures’ at the quarter slots? Where am I? Look buddy I’ve been told not to do autographs anymore, sorry.”

She didn’t conga once in that whole statement. And I was officially scared now.

“Yeah, she’s right,” chimed in Strechin. “Who stole ‘future’ from us? I think it’s some sort of vast wing conspiracy, I’m not sure if it’s the right or left but it’s one of them and it’s unacceptable because we need the future at all costs. Who has ‘future’ now and why aren't we bombing them? Hey where are you going?”

“Look we know where it is now,” said Hume after I ran back to his office to get away from the street urchins. “You look like you haven’t run since the Cold War,” he said. “That has nothing to do with anything,” I gasped.

“Fine, I just want to let the American people know,” Hume prophesized, “That if there is a future, and we’re 87% sure there is, FNC will win it, because the only other option is to lose it and let things go back to the way they were. Or, are going to be. Or, could possibly be if we…I mean, I think it’s important to, um…Get out of my office hippy.”

Find of the Week

Alright all of you Swords and Trampolines readers, it's time we shake things up a bit. We've decided to introduce a new feature, where we post a "Find of the Week" to share with you. We've scoured the internet for things that make us laugh really hard, and hopefully will make you laugh, too. If they don't make you laugh then maybe you should go home and rethink your life. Booyah.

Congress to Address Immigration

In a move that has shocked millions of Americans, Congress has vowed to fight this country’s immigration problems, claiming to solve our problems that have been piling up for years.

Their solution?

“We need to build a transcontinental bridge that goes from the border of Mexico into the land of Canada.” Senator Tom Malarkey stated to the press Wednesday evening. Amid laughter from the press, Mr. Malarkey kept a tout face and replied, “I’m serious.”

The reporters instantly became silent, as we all took in this information. And after serious deliberation, why not? Why couldn’t this thing work?

Aside from being an engineering marvel, it’s not so preposterous. Just think: a lonely immigrant tries to cross the border. Instead of going into the US, he finds himself in Canada. Imagine the reaction from the Canadians to that one!

Of course, the borders will have to increase their security from the north, as many people in Congress don’t expect immigrants to stay in Canada very long.

“I mean, it’s Canada! Not even the Mexican immigrants will be able to stand it,” Representative Chuck Logan bellowed. “It’s a long shot, but maybe they’d even trek across the bridge back to Mexico, effectively leaving the real North America alone.”

Certainly the idea could work, if the government would invest billions of dollars to build one of the biggest bridges ever. The idea of building a great wall like that in China is possible too, but far less likely and realistic. I mean a wall? C’mon, that’s crazy.

“Regardless,” Malarkey explained, “this is an issue that will not be finished until we finish it.” Right.

Ironically, the government has already begun drafting workers to begin the massive project, and has turned to its cheapest, most reliable source: illegal immigrants. If that doesn’t run your mind for a loop, nothing will.

Anti-immigration reform policy protestors have already begun protesting in Washington, D.C.

“This is an outrage!” Screamed one soccer mom from Idaho. “What if they get lost on the bridge?! What if it’s too easy to cross?” Indeed, what if the bridge is too easy to cross? What is the bridge even made out of?

Teem Onzabus explained, “Don’t worry. If they get lost on the bridge, there are plenty of signs to help them understand that they’re going the right way.” He went on to explain that the bridge wasn’t just bricks and mortar, like the good old days, but actually consists of traps and trips, just like the good…uh, old days.

“Imagine a trap like in Indiana Jones! And then snakes and ninjas come flying out with their venomous fangs and throwing stars, respectively!”

But where are they going to get all those snakes?

We Be Jamming – An Editorial

In light of President George W. Bush unveiling a new slogan for his trips about the country to support Republican congressional candidates running for re-election, this publication is determined to take a closer look at the names of some significant and influential events.

The first event of note is the recently concluded gathering in Denver called PeaceJam. This enticing episode hosted eight, 8, ocho, Nobel Prize laureates. That is the largest gathering of Nobel Peace Laureates in United States history, hosting the likes of His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu along with a slew of other prominent peace figures, and the best name they could come up with was: PeaceJam?

“I think it sounds great,” said Reginald “there’s not enough starch in my shirt” Williams. “We just want people to get together and jam for peace, like totally. We don’t want kids to think it’s anything serious, it’s just a jam, and those are cool.”

Did anyone think to tell organizers that the only people who use the word ‘jam’ anymore are musicians right before a jam session?

Now if we were talking about the PeaceJam after party, that’s another story. It was widely rumored that that got pretty crunk, so to speak. The Dalai Lama can do shots like no one’s business (his drink of choice is Jager) and yet maintain sobriety through meditation the entire night. He just kills at drinking games. And Tutu can moonwalk and spin on his head when he hears “All I wanna do is Zooma Zoom Zoom Zoom and a Boom Boom.” Yeah, just shake your rump.

Now, unfortunately, not only President Bush, but many prominent figures are buying into this theory of a “cool-sounding name” for their event.

Franklin Graham the son of Billy Graham, famous evangelical preacher, is continuing his father’s work with a tour of many well-known churches across the country after deciding to call the tour “Pimping the Pulpit.”

Alas it does not stop there, but goes all the way up to the Pope himself. Pope Benedict XVI has announced plans for a Papal visit to the United States sometime next summer and after much contemplating, decided the visit would be called: “Extreme Makeover: Vatican Edition.”

Not to be outdone, President Bush just announced his slogan for last-minute campaign stomping to help his fellow GOP supporters would be under the title, “Dude, Where My Republicans At?”


Editor’s note: All but the PeaceJam is fake. Sucker.

Jerusalem to Enter Car Market

In a move that was overlooked because of all the recent Middle-East conflicts, Jerusalem announced on Monday that it will begin manufacturing cars in late 2007 to compete with worldwide rivals such as Toyota, GM, and Ford.

Jerusalem Cars, or J.C. for short, will offer a wide variety of vehicles to suit many different applications and demographics.

One of the founding financiers, Yuri Cashmere, talked highly of the emerging company: “Well, it’s an idea I’ve had for a long time, and I think with the right people in place we could be a force to be reckoned with.” From a company that has ‘J.C.’ as its acronym? You betcha.

The first line of vehicles to go into production will be the de Cristo SUV. The de Cristo is set to become a great inspiration for styling of future vehicles, from Jerusalem and beyond. Yuri has called it the crème de la crème, and claims it will shock the world with its’ Armageddon-like stature.

After the first several thousand of those are produced, a more economical car to come from J.C. will be the Iscariot Chariot. Being the cheapest car in the lineup, many investors feel that this car will be the halo vehicle of J.C.

“But don’t worry,” Yuri laughs. “You won’t have to pay 30 pieces of silver for this car.”

With so many cars out in the market today, Jerusalem Cars needed to have a hot selling point, and its producers and engineers found it: it’s all about the J-Drive.

“When driving these vehicles,” CEO John the Mappist stated, “they feel like they have an air-like quality. Some engineers have even said that driving over water makes them hydroplane very much, because J.C.’s just hover over water.”

Enter the J-Drive. With its patented “Savior Grip” system, it guarantees to keep all four wheels on the ground and will stop delivering power once they sense a hostile takeover or sinning.

Another bragging right is the tight turning radius on vehicles like the Iscariot Chariot. “These things repent marvelously,” Mappist said. “You wouldn’t believe how fast they can do a 180.”

Further down the line, more vehicles are expected. In its state of the art facility, dubbed “the Ark,” J.C.’s cars are slated to roll off the line in roughly 9 months. Coming from one of the most sophisticated and largest facilities in the world, which cost 3 billion dollars to build, it’s a wonder how “the Ark” could stay afloat. But the investors say not to worry, for the facility doubles as a flood shelter. How divine.

Cashmere announced that cars will not be the end to Jerusalem’s entry into capitalism. “In the coming years you will see many fine, unheard of products to come out of Jerusalem.”

One that we heard about was the DVD collection of Pilates, entitled “Pontius Pilates.” Time will certainly tell if these products are hit or miss, but one thing’s for sure: Jerusalem’s making a comeback.

Dancer in Stable Condition after Locking but not Popping

Local professional dancer Shanae Nae Nay is listed in stable condition at Jewish Medical Center today after a dancing accident in which she apparently ‘locked’ but never ‘popped’ late last night at her work place.

Friends and family visited Nae Nay frequently since the incident took place at around 1 am this morning at the Hips of Platinum nightclub in central Denver.

The injury occurred when Nae Nay tried to execute a routine dance move in which a woman “pops it and locks it,” this according to the owner of the club Jimmy “The Gyrating Gigolo” Harris. I would explain what this means but, this reporter is white and does not know dances more complex than the sprinkler.

“She was doing her thing on the side of the stage to get more people involved and dancing” said Harris, “And she tried to pop it and lock it. But she missed the pop and just went into the lock. All the sudden I heard people screaming and the music stopped.”

Bystanders were still shaken up today, saying “It didn’t look natural,” “It was like her hips were trying to walk up her back,” and “I was actually over by the bar, I didn’t see anything.”

Harris, also an experienced rug-cutter, could only imagine the pain. “I have never seen anyone go straight into the lock” he said while practicing his moonwalk to relax himself. “The pop, sets up the lock, it’s the yin to the locks yang, the pelvic to the thrust. You have got to pop it before you lock it or else you…” and he trailed off as he shuddered to the beat of the bass.

There were many theories as to why an exceptional dancer such as Nay, I mean Nae, I mean Nae Nay incurred such an injury, including one which brought the issue of race into play at the predominantly African-American club.

Dance expert Johnny B. Goode said, “Look Shanae Nae, um Nay, is that right? Is that how many there are? Anyway she is African-American. At the time of the accident she was dancing to a remixed version of the classic song ‘Dazed and Confused’ by Led Zeppelin.”

“Now to me the answer is obvious,” Goode continued, “She got hurt because she is an African-American trying to pull off a hip-hop move to a song made by really, really, really white guys. The physics are just impossible. While I admire her for trying, it was just a lost cause. Led Zeppelin was a bunch of really white guys. Seriously, they would think that Hip-Hop was a new sort of dance involving a hippopotamus.”

Cards, flowers, and mix tapes can be sent to Shanae Nae Nay in the care of the Jewish Medical Center. Just don’t send any Led Zeppelin. Or Devo.

New Publication Goes Relatively Unnoticed

Well folks, it’s time to enlighten you as to what Swords and Trampolines is all about: and the answer is nothing at all.

But seriously people, this small publication is our skewed view of everyday things in our world that we find funny. Or that we feel we can make funny. So we expand these things into some of the most ridiculous thoughts and concepts you can imagine, which is why you might question our facts sometimes. Often. All right always.

With that premise in mind, you might like to know that we welcome people to submit their own ideas and writings to the publication.

Of course, we don’t guarantee anything. We’re not getting paid for this, and neither will you. But if you enjoy a good laugh, have an Onionesque thought process, and believe in the power of word-of-mouth, send us your stories and maybe we’ll run them.

This publication comes months after deliberations on how to create such a project, leading us to what we think is a nice, informal, and flexible format here.

The name stems back to a previous publication we the creators instigated back in ’74 right after we got back from ‘Nam.

Swords and trampolines, though not a good mix (think about it), together somehow capture the overall feeling and scope behind this publication in our mind. And since we tell you what to think here, in your mind too. Right?

There are no specific publishing dates for any of these articles, so subscribe or check back often. We’re taking a “post them as we write them” approach, but we will try our best to have several articles published at once and on a regular (weekly or bi-weekly) basis.

So hey, enjoy our publication. It is not to be taken seriously even though at times it may seem that way. We’re just having fun with this ridiculous world we live in and these incredibly warped minds we’ve been given. We do not take responsibility for bruised egos or mass tree burnings.

-Vagabond and Driveshaft

Local Teen Seriously Considering Getting in Shape

Denver, CO – At a packed press conference yesterday, local lazy teenager Phillip “I skipped Christmas for a playoff football game against my X-Box” Suburbanite, announced that he had incurred nearly three whole thoughts of getting himself in shape over the past month.

“It all started when I was reading the nutritional facts on the back of a bag of FunYuns,” Suburbanite said during the three-hour press conference. “I was like, this is me caring about my body enough to read, that’s almost like me, you know, doing something.”

Suburbanite had no comment when questioned about allegations that he only read the bag because his mom had thrown it over his eyes in disgust as he lay on his back on his couch “wondering if an ant colony is like a really organized posse.”

The second near instance of something meaningful came when watching a commercial caused an involuntary movement.

“I was there, like on my couch you know, and I was watching this super-intense driving show when this big bug like, smacked into the windshield really hard. It looked like it was coming right at me so I just reacted and dove to my left to get out of the way. Took me like five minutes to catch my breath. I guess it was actually just a commercial for windshield glass, but you would’ve been scared too.”

Suburbanite claims this event made him think once again of being a bit more healthy as he is “seriously considering diving to the left on [his] couch every few days or so.”

It should be noted that his ‘diving’ is really just leaning over to the other side of the couch, but Suburbanite was once again stand-offish when asked about this.

“What do you want from me,” he said during an outburst two hours into the press conference. “You want me to like” and he paused for breath as he had to about five times during his tirade.

“You want me to like” he began again, “Start walking all the way to the bathroom every time I need to go? Because I don’t care what anyone says, I don’t think the plants in my room are suffering at all.”

Gross.