Starbucks CEO Canned For Crazy Antics

The CEO and co-founder of Starbucks, Mark Beanie has been reportedly asked to resign by the board of directors for the international coffee chain. What began as a stable career in profitable coffee turned out to spell certain death for Mark, as his “wild ideas” began to alarm other higher-ups working for Starbucks.

“It really started back when the company made it big. Nearly 10 years ago, Mark would go around Seattle, demanding ‘high-fives’ and then saying ‘Thanks a latte.’ We knew he was weird, but that just kind of didn’t seem normal,” says new CEO and co-founder Bill Torres. “We decided to keep a close eye on him.”

At an annual conference, Mark bellowed out to the 1,500 crowd: "I want to have a handicapped person believe that they can overcome their crushing life circumstances when drinking Starbucks Coffee. Even though we know that most cannot, its a time for generosity. Introducing the ‘Beyond all Sense Blend.’"

The waters became calm after a strict reprimand, stating Starbucks would not be releasing the alleged “flavor.”

After several years without incident, things had remained relatively calm in Seattle until the spring of 2005. “Mark started to yell obscenities from his office at the phone” administrative assistant Rose Tedgood stated late Thursday evening. “Trouble was, the phone line was empty. He was speaking to an inanimate object, with no one on the other line.”

No one seemed to think this was particularly abnormal either, until he started to sleep in his office and demand that every coffee bean was accounted for. “It didn’t matter if it was in a trash can in Atlanta, or in somebody’s mouth in Denver,” said Torres. “Mark was adamant that every bean be found and accounted for.”

This didn’t seem to be too out of character, as Mark was seen as a bean counter. But when he demanded every bean not used for drinks be shipped personally to him, eyebrows were raised, though he was allowed to continue this behavior behind closed doors. The hammer would come down soon enough, as the corporation felt Beanie just wasn’t cutting it.

“I began to grow worried when Mark wouldn’t even show up for our meetings on a weekly basis. He started to demand that these beans would be sent in through a mail slot in his door. Seeing him became so infrequent, I had to knock on the door to make sure he wasn’t dead. He bellowed out a hardy ‘Harumph!’ and I just went on my way, shaking my head,” Torres stated.

Apparently the last straw to the whole ordeal was when Mark sent out a company memo and addressed it to “The Peons.” Midway through the memo he stated that their winter lineup was about to be revealed to franchises worldwide, which was true. What was not true was that they were going to introduce a new flavor, called “Roast Ground from my Ass.” Other flavors reportedly coming were “Hazelnut Hazmat,” “Ramadan Wrath,” and “Semitic Spice.”

“This kind of behavior could no longer be tolerated, so we marched up to Mark’s office and opened the door, only to be flooded by a tidal wave of coffee beans. Mark was swimming in them, much like Uncle Scrooge McDuck from Ducktales did in his money,” Bill Torres claimed.

Once he was informed of his ending job, Beanie became angry and stated “You can’t can me! Beans deserve better than to be shipped off in cans! What do you think you’re doing? Don’t touch those beans!” It was apparent that his condition wasn’t improving, so he was hauled down to the Seattle county jail. He’s being held there on $100,000 bond, to which he reportedly responded: “Mere peanuts to the sack of beans that I’m worth to this company. They’ll never grind me.”

Mark Beanie was born in New Mexico.

Local Man Loses Memory…We Think

Denver- He woke up outside a take-out Chinese food restaurant last Tuesday without his socks, one shoe, or a name.

Sounds like a common robbery right? Well, except for the name part, but in any case you would be wrong. This man woke up without a memory, no recollection of who he was or how he got in front of the Dragons R’ Us restaurant. He decided to call himself, Sandy.

Why Sandy you ask? “Look man I think it’s amazing I could even recall what a ‘name’ was,” he said. “I mean, I woke up and the first thing I did was ask that fire hydrant over there to make me some waffles… I’m still waiting.”

Sandy says he has no memory of his real name, where his family is or why he smells like whiskey and schnapps. All he knows is that the smells of Chinese breakfast foods woke him early in the morning, made him nauseous immediately, and prompted him to explain how, despite the memory loss, he knew what he had for dinner the night before.

This tragic story took an odd turn when, as they hosed off the sidewalk and Sandy was standing on the corner of the street contemplating what to do next with only one shoe, he suddenly said “Boy, Taco Bell sounds really good right now.”

“Wait a minute,” I said, “How do you remember Taco Bell?”

Sandy looked up for a split-second and said, “I don’t know man, I just do. Maybe I worked there in my old life, or was born in the bathroom there or something. Hey can you spot me a few dollars?”

“Maybe…” I replied, my journalistic sense tingling like a spider monkey running down my back. “What did you say your parents’ names are?”

“Phil an…I mean I only wish I could remember. I just wish I knew where I belong in life.”

“Oh come on!” I yelled, “You were just about to say Phil and someone else. Are you sure you can’t remember anything?”

“Um, can you repeat the question?” he asked. “I’m suffering from amnesia; I don’t remember a lot of things. Who are you? I thought I was in front of a Taco Bell, what did you do with the Taco Bell!?”

“Right,” I said. “How do you even know what amnesia is if you can’t remember anything?”

“Uh someone told me, a nice old lady. Wait, what were you saying?”

“I’m the first person you have talked to today. I found you throwing up whiskey outside Dragons R’ Us as I was about to go inside for breakfast.”

“See, I uh, did not remember that,” ‘Sandy’ said beginning to walk away. Or actually sort of hobbling in his one shoe.

“So you’re not going to lend me any money for Taco Bell?”

Booty Excavation for the week of November 8

With elections just ending last night, some people are happy, some are sad, and some just flat out don't care. Well, in any case, we hope you enjoy this clip on a speech that Bush recently gave. It shows the administration's desire to change and we think it puts the White House in a whole new direction...

Don't be alarmed by the name change, it's simply our way of saying "this is awesome."

College Student Testifies Before Grand Jury About Excessive ‘Poking’

Santa Fe- New Mexico sophomore Tate “The Grand Teton” Jenkins was called before a grand jury last Thursday to answer for his alleged “excessive poking” after several complaints from young Lobo women.

“These allegations are like, totally unbased and unbiased” Jenkins (no his nickname doesn’t make any sense before you ask) said on the courthouse steps after his session with the grand jury. “I did not; have; a poking; relationship; with that woman, or any of those women dude. I just wanted to be friends with them.”

In my research, I was able to attain a sealed envelope revealing that Jenkins stood accused of poking over 612 women including his sister and women from seven different states.

Of course, there was no official symbol on the envelope and anyone could have written that, but the numbers made too much sense to ignore so I just figured they were true.

One of the women who came forward in protest of this excessive poking, Kara Kary Karrington was present at the hearing but declined to comment as her “shame of being poked by that man was just too great.”

Another woman who would not give us her full name, only B. Spears, was upset as well but for a slightly different reason, “I think he had a fake picture up, so who did I really get poked by?”

At this point I realized that Spears believed Jenkins was being accused of excessive Facebook poking, a playful, yet really, really stupid feature of the networking website Facebook.com in which a person can choose to ‘poke’ someone else who just goes, “Oh, I got poked, that person should get a life.”

“Yeah, isn’t that what you thought, I mean what else could it be?” she asked. “I thought he was a sexual predator,” I replied, to which she looked shocked and confused before running away.

I went looking for another sealed envelope to clear everything up, I had found the first one in an old, hollow tree stump. Meanwhile word of the confusion spread rapidly and the District Attorney of Santa Fe held a press conference.

“There may have been a mix-up,” stated Johnny “I have too many press conferences because I have political aspirations” Law. “We all thought that Tate “The Grand Teton” Jenkins was a predator who overused the word ‘poking’ as sexual innuendo. You know, like ‘giddy-up’ or ‘prosecuted.’

“But new information has come to light and we’re now not, really sure what to do” Law concluded looking around blankly.

“Why don’t you ask Jenkins which it is?” someone yelled from the crowd.

“That’s a horrible idea” said Law, “But I don’t have any other options right now. So,” he said turning to Jenkins, “Which is it, facebook or sexual predator?”

“A little bit of both,” I heard Jenkins reply as I walked away.

Santa Fe is a stupid town.

Awesome Begins to Flood the Country

In breaking news throughout the United States, a new threat has made itself known. This threat will stop at nothing to spread itself and infiltrate the highest levels of our society. It is known at this point simply as “awesome.” And its reign is alarming people to its awesome ability.

One man from the Midwest claimed: “Awesome is just taking over my life. And it’s not just my life that’s being affected, it’s my wife and children, they’re being overcome with Awesome, too. Soon the dog is projected to have Awesome, and my cars will probably be running over Awesome from here to Atlanta!”

So the question becomes: could Awesome destroy America?

In a growing epidemic, our President George W. Bush held a press event last week in Awesome, Oregon to slow down panic of this largely unknown force.

“I understand this nation is being overcome by Awesome. But we must not fear! We have to stay alert. If anyone experiences attacks of Awesome they are requested to report it to the authorities immediately! We refuse to be destroyed by Awesome, and will make it our solemn pledge to make sure that this whole Awesome thing does not run our country amuck!”

Some people, however, were not so concerned over this Awesome outbreak. “I think it’s kinda cool that we’re experiencing Awesome,” said Jane Wyatt of Denver, Colorado. “It’s not too often that you get large doses of something so foreign, so amazingly awesome. I embrace the Awesome.”

Authorities are claiming they are not properly equipped to handle the levels of Awesome in this country. Ted Hops of the California Highway Patrol had this to say: “Well, we can handle things like Amber alerts from the Department of Homeland Security, but Awesome? We just don’t have any idea what this Awesome is capable of.”

In millions of cases nation-wide, insurance companies are claiming they will not handle cases dealing with Awesome, since no mention is made in any current policies dealing with Awesome. “If someone wants to claim that their property is damaged by Awesome, or that the reason their dog is shaved is because of Awesome, we simply won’t cover that. We’re not prepared to deal with Awesome, plain and simple.”

As the radius grows on a daily basis for Awesome, there’s little left to do but hope and pray that it will not reach the far corners of our nation. An older couple in Arizona claimed that they were madly against Awesome. “We just went on Social Security last year. I don’t want Awesome to ruin that. We’ve got a great thing going, I golf, and the wife sews stockings. If Awesome takes that over, we don’t have much to live for at all.”

Indeed if Awesome takes over, it’s largely unknown as to what may happen. But we do know that the result will simply be awesome.