Just When You Thought You Were Safe, We Pull You Back In

Well folks, the proverbial sternum has been pushed repeatedly and the sweet air of analogy has been breathed into the lungs of Swords and Trampolines after a long spell of metaphorical death.

Our sincere apologies to those of you left weeping and gnashing your teeth in our absence. What can we say but meth is one hell of a drug.

Actually, truth be told, higher powers than us tried to clip our wings and cancel us during the past few weeks. They said we were not supporting the true spirit of Thanksgiving, and we had taken a strong anti-turkey approach in recent writings. (Look people steak is the best and should be eaten all the time, by everyone, everywhere. Just make the steak stuffed with turkey.)

Anyway, our absence hasn't gone unnoticed. By ourselves. Naked. Actually, we didn't mean that: we take it back.

Thanks again for joining us, with the combined hits from the editors and their mothers (sorry, mom), our publication has reached over 200 viewings.

Now, this doesn't include the 10 times that we asked a few of you to "hit reload" because there was allegedly "new content." We take no responsibility for the pending content on our site, which today you will find to be a beautiful bounty of two of the greatest videos you have ever seen, and two of the worst stories known to man.

Ahh yes. Happy Holidays to you all, and be assured that we will not go quietly into the night. Unless our mothers come out here and hit us with frying pans. Again.

Stop it, mom.

Booty Excavation for the week of December 13

A Little Extra Help For You Four Eyes – An Editorial

Well I had to do it. I’ve gone my entire life without it but I just had to do it. I needed it. I just had to have it, I couldn’t take the abstinence any longer.

I got glasses.

What’d you think I meant? I ate meat for the first time? Get out of my room and leave me alone.

Oh, right, there’s more to be said. So since glasses are going to be a part, albeit slight, of my life, I naturally chose with great care the establishment where I would procure these new seeing mirrors and settled on the Buckingham Palace, nay, the Taj Mahal of vision care, the Wal-Mart Supercenter.

Now the thing that struck me about this experience was not the fuzzy charts, the close breathing of the optometrist, or the fact that I tried on women’s frames for about five minutes before I realized what I was doing (though I did look strangely pretty).

No the thing that got me was the accessories a visitor to the vision center can purchase. These are more than the frames, shades, straps, nose pads, lens cleaner, or any of the 70 things directly to do with glasses.

Telescopes. Big stacks of telescopes, and microscopes were placed around the room, I guess just in case they had a patient that was beyond help by normal lenses.

“Well we tried inch-thick lenses and they still don’t work for you Elbert, why don’t you just take a couple of these telescopes home with you.”

Isn’t that the insult you hear in middle school/yesterday? “Hey telescope eyes how many fingers am I holding up? Why are you wearing those old clothes? Why doesn’t your dad work harder so you won’t be poor?” I didn’t like middle school. Or yesterday.

Putting these various ‘scopes in there seems to me to be an indirect, somewhat clever jab at we, the seeing impaired, similar to naming the process of getting a nose job Rhinoplasty, as Jerry Seinfeld has mentioned before.

Clearly we all realize there is a problem, that’s why we have come to the vision center to try to correct it. This underhanded shot at the squinters of the world is unnecessary. Why not just put up a big sign that proclaims “Need help Seeing? Skip the Eye Exam and Clunky Frames and just Walk Away with a Brand New Telescope!!”

They also sold, even more randomly, metal detectors in the vision center.

I didn’t see where they were going with that one until I read a little closer: “Now with a Bigger Digital Display Screen!” (That you might actually be able to see now Blindy.)

Space Shuttle Program “Discovers” Potential

Hot on the heels of reality TV, NASA has wasted no time to get their own reality show into the mix. Sponsored by Fox, NASA will have a slot in the weekly lineup of brand new shows coming this fall with their very own “NASA Files,” to be aired at 9 p.m. Eastern Time starting on Thursday, January 4, 2007.

The show comes at a time when Space Shuttle Discovery is docked at the International Space Station and making additions/repairs (we have to beat those Russians somehow). The show, coupled with the program are critical for NASA’s future success and missions.

“I think it’s important to show people just how difficult it is to get a shuttle to leave our planet,” rocket scientist Jim Braggin exclaims. “I mean, this program is critical, we’re not spending 10 billion dollars a year on protective heat shield tiles now are we?”

The show will mainly focus on different ways to “trick out” a space shuttle, for all of those billionaire fan boys who own big rockets. Certain shuttles will be made to order, similar to MTV’s “Pimp my Ride” or Discovery Channel’s “American Chopper.”

On a test audience, viewers were so thrilled with the concept that they had reportedly converted their couches into space modules and TV trays into satellites. One family even claimed to have freeze-dried ice cream and tried to simulate zero gravity in their kitchen, to no avail.

The show will begin with the introduction of the crews who will pimp out the shuttles, and the flying crews that will eventually help them get into outer space. Into outer space. It sounds weird, but in this case, the double negative does not mean a positive. Initially, Fox has signed up for 12 episodes to last until mid-May.

“We will be spending a lot of time together in these big ole’ hangars, so I wouldn’t be surprised if we run into a brouhaha every now and again,” insider informant Mark Brown stated.

With reality television’s ratings on the decline, one has to wonder whether Fox’s move will be a hit or a miss. Insider analysts say it is too soon to tell, but one man feels differently.

“This show will be a hit. Remember ‘The Walton’s?’ Yeah, it’ll be bigger than that I would project. I’m expecting our success to be somewhere between Mr. T and Bobby Brady. You just never know with these things,” Said Ron Purdue.

Isn’t that the truth?

Booty Excavation for the week of December 13

Here we are, at long last.