Swords and Trampolines

Doctors Baffled By New Disorder

2007-01-28T23:42:00.000-07:00

Broomfield, CO- Doctors and scientists announced the discovery of a new disorder Sunday, but are thus far unable to diagnose or explain it according to information attained during yesterday’s press conference.

According to doctors and eyewitnesses, Kareem “The Big Higgins” Loggins was working out at the local 6 Hour Fitness at his usual time when something unusual began to happen.

“He yelled a bunch of numbers as he was pushing the waits up during the bench press,” said 6 Hour Fitness patron Tom Roosevelt, better known as the old guy who always looks like he’s about to die when he works out.

“I didn’t think much of it at first,” Roosevelt continued, “But then he yelled them again and I noticed a pattern so I wrote them down. Turns out it was his social security number.”

Things only got stranger from there according to Roosevelt. At one point Loggins was heard bellowing “My best friend John has three nipples!” during his squat press. Later as he continued to lift weights he yelled “Chris has a thing for midgets!” referring to his friend Chris’s affinity for Dwarf women.

“He was yelling secrets when he strained himself,” stated Dr. Bill “I dare you to try to read my signature” Meadows of the Important and Professional Medical Establishment at the press conference.

“The disorder, which we are tentatively naming ‘Weird’ is like Tourette’s Syndrome, only combined with being untrustworthy so he yells deep secrets instead of random seal noises” said Dr. Meadows.

Loggins, who does not realize that he’s saying these things, claims that he does not have a lot of secrets and would never yell them in public if he did. “That would like, be mean of me,” he said.

But then I gave him a jar of pickles and asked him to open the lid.

As he strained to unscrew the “accidentally” glued-on lid, he roared “My mom once flashed Twisted Sister because she thought they were Queen!”

Hey nobody set any rules about this in journalism college.

Just When You Thought You Were Safe, We Pull You Back In

2006-12-14T12:57:00.000-07:00

Well folks, the proverbial sternum has been pushed repeatedly and the sweet air of analogy has been breathed into the lungs of Swords and Trampolines after a long spell of metaphorical death.

Our sincere apologies to those of you left weeping and gnashing your teeth in our absence. What can we say but meth is one hell of a drug.

Actually, truth be told, higher powers than us tried to clip our wings and cancel us during the past few weeks. They said we were not supporting the true spirit of Thanksgiving, and we had taken a strong anti-turkey approach in recent writings. (Look people steak is the best and should be eaten all the time, by everyone, everywhere. Just make the steak stuffed with turkey.)

Anyway, our absence hasn't gone unnoticed. By ourselves. Naked. Actually, we didn't mean that: we take it back.

Thanks again for joining us, with the combined hits from the editors and their mothers (sorry, mom), our publication has reached over 200 viewings.

Now, this doesn't include the 10 times that we asked a few of you to "hit reload" because there was allegedly "new content." We take no responsibility for the pending content on our site, which today you will find to be a beautiful bounty of two of the greatest videos you have ever seen, and two of the worst stories known to man.

Ahh yes. Happy Holidays to you all, and be assured that we will not go quietly into the night. Unless our mothers come out here and hit us with frying pans. Again.

Stop it, mom.

Booty Excavation for the week of December 13

2006-12-14T12:47:00.000-07:00

A Little Extra Help For You Four Eyes – An Editorial

2006-12-14T12:21:00.000-07:00

Well I had to do it. I’ve gone my entire life without it but I just had to do it. I needed it. I just had to have it, I couldn’t take the abstinence any longer.

I got glasses.

What’d you think I meant? I ate meat for the first time? Get out of my room and leave me alone.

Oh, right, there’s more to be said. So since glasses are going to be a part, albeit slight, of my life, I naturally chose with great care the establishment where I would procure these new seeing mirrors and settled on the Buckingham Palace, nay, the Taj Mahal of vision care, the Wal-Mart Supercenter.

Now the thing that struck me about this experience was not the fuzzy charts, the close breathing of the optometrist, or the fact that I tried on women’s frames for about five minutes before I realized what I was doing (though I did look strangely pretty).

No the thing that got me was the accessories a visitor to the vision center can purchase. These are more than the frames, shades, straps, nose pads, lens cleaner, or any of the 70 things directly to do with glasses.

Telescopes. Big stacks of telescopes, and microscopes were placed around the room, I guess just in case they had a patient that was beyond help by normal lenses.

“Well we tried inch-thick lenses and they still don’t work for you Elbert, why don’t you just take a couple of these telescopes home with you.”

Isn’t that the insult you hear in middle school/yesterday? “Hey telescope eyes how many fingers am I holding up? Why are you wearing those old clothes? Why doesn’t your dad work harder so you won’t be poor?” I didn’t like middle school. Or yesterday.

Putting these various ‘scopes in there seems to me to be an indirect, somewhat clever jab at we, the seeing impaired, similar to naming the process of getting a nose job Rhinoplasty, as Jerry Seinfeld has mentioned before.

Clearly we all realize there is a problem, that’s why we have come to the vision center to try to correct it. This underhanded shot at the squinters of the world is unnecessary. Why not just put up a big sign that proclaims “Need help Seeing? Skip the Eye Exam and Clunky Frames and just Walk Away with a Brand New Telescope!!”

They also sold, even more randomly, metal detectors in the vision center.

I didn’t see where they were going with that one until I read a little closer: “Now with a Bigger Digital Display Screen!” (That you might actually be able to see now Blindy.)

Space Shuttle Program “Discovers” Potential

2006-12-13T23:26:00.000-07:00

Hot on the heels of reality TV, NASA has wasted no time to get their own reality show into the mix. Sponsored by Fox, NASA will have a slot in the weekly lineup of brand new shows coming this fall with their very own “NASA Files,” to be aired at 9 p.m. Eastern Time starting on Thursday, January 4, 2007.

The show comes at a time when Space Shuttle Discovery is docked at the International Space Station and making additions/repairs (we have to beat those Russians somehow). The show, coupled with the program are critical for NASA’s future success and missions.

“I think it’s important to show people just how difficult it is to get a shuttle to leave our planet,” rocket scientist Jim Braggin exclaims. “I mean, this program is critical, we’re not spending 10 billion dollars a year on protective heat shield tiles now are we?”

The show will mainly focus on different ways to “trick out” a space shuttle, for all of those billionaire fan boys who own big rockets. Certain shuttles will be made to order, similar to MTV’s “Pimp my Ride” or Discovery Channel’s “American Chopper.”

On a test audience, viewers were so thrilled with the concept that they had reportedly converted their couches into space modules and TV trays into satellites. One family even claimed to have freeze-dried ice cream and tried to simulate zero gravity in their kitchen, to no avail.

The show will begin with the introduction of the crews who will pimp out the shuttles, and the flying crews that will eventually help them get into outer space. Into outer space. It sounds weird, but in this case, the double negative does not mean a positive. Initially, Fox has signed up for 12 episodes to last until mid-May.

“We will be spending a lot of time together in these big ole’ hangars, so I wouldn’t be surprised if we run into a brouhaha every now and again,” insider informant Mark Brown stated.

With reality television’s ratings on the decline, one has to wonder whether Fox’s move will be a hit or a miss. Insider analysts say it is too soon to tell, but one man feels differently.

“This show will be a hit. Remember ‘The Walton’s?’ Yeah, it’ll be bigger than that I would project. I’m expecting our success to be somewhere between Mr. T and Bobby Brady. You just never know with these things,” Said Ron Purdue.

Isn’t that the truth?

Booty Excavation for the week of December 13

2006-12-13T23:24:00.000-07:00

Here we are, at long last.

Starbucks CEO Canned For Crazy Antics

2006-11-12T23:39:00.000-07:00

The CEO and co-founder of Starbucks, Mark Beanie has been reportedly asked to resign by the board of directors for the international coffee chain. What began as a stable career in profitable coffee turned out to spell certain death for Mark, as his “wild ideas” began to alarm other higher-ups working for Starbucks.

“It really started back when the company made it big. Nearly 10 years ago, Mark would go around Seattle, demanding ‘high-fives’ and then saying ‘Thanks a latte.’ We knew he was weird, but that just kind of didn’t seem normal,” says new CEO and co-founder Bill Torres. “We decided to keep a close eye on him.”

At an annual conference, Mark bellowed out to the 1,500 crowd: "I want to have a handicapped person believe that they can overcome their crushing life circumstances when drinking Starbucks Coffee. Even though we know that most cannot, its a time for generosity. Introducing the ‘Beyond all Sense Blend.’"

The waters became calm after a strict reprimand, stating Starbucks would not be releasing the alleged “flavor.”

After several years without incident, things had remained relatively calm in Seattle until the spring of 2005. “Mark started to yell obscenities from his office at the phone” administrative assistant Rose Tedgood stated late Thursday evening. “Trouble was, the phone line was empty. He was speaking to an inanimate object, with no one on the other line.”

No one seemed to think this was particularly abnormal either, until he started to sleep in his office and demand that every coffee bean was accounted for. “It didn’t matter if it was in a trash can in Atlanta, or in somebody’s mouth in Denver,” said Torres. “Mark was adamant that every bean be found and accounted for.”

This didn’t seem to be too out of character, as Mark was seen as a bean counter. But when he demanded every bean not used for drinks be shipped personally to him, eyebrows were raised, though he was allowed to continue this behavior behind closed doors. The hammer would come down soon enough, as the corporation felt Beanie just wasn’t cutting it.

“I began to grow worried when Mark wouldn’t even show up for our meetings on a weekly basis. He started to demand that these beans would be sent in through a mail slot in his door. Seeing him became so infrequent, I had to knock on the door to make sure he wasn’t dead. He bellowed out a hardy ‘Harumph!’ and I just went on my way, shaking my head,” Torres stated.

Apparently the last straw to the whole ordeal was when Mark sent out a company memo and addressed it to “The Peons.” Midway through the memo he stated that their winter lineup was about to be revealed to franchises worldwide, which was true. What was not true was that they were going to introduce a new flavor, called “Roast Ground from my Ass.” Other flavors reportedly coming were “Hazelnut Hazmat,” “Ramadan Wrath,” and “Semitic Spice.”

“This kind of behavior could no longer be tolerated, so we marched up to Mark’s office and opened the door, only to be flooded by a tidal wave of coffee beans. Mark was swimming in them, much like Uncle Scrooge McDuck from Ducktales did in his money,” Bill Torres claimed.

Once he was informed of his ending job, Beanie became angry and stated “You can’t can me! Beans deserve better than to be shipped off in cans! What do you think you’re doing? Don’t touch those beans!” It was apparent that his condition wasn’t improving, so he was hauled down to the Seattle county jail. He’s being held there on $100,000 bond, to which he reportedly responded: “Mere peanuts to the sack of beans that I’m worth to this company. They’ll never grind me.”

Mark Beanie was born in New Mexico.

Local Man Loses Memory…We Think

2006-11-12T23:27:00.000-07:00

Denver- He woke up outside a take-out Chinese food restaurant last Tuesday without his socks, one shoe, or a name.

Sounds like a common robbery right? Well, except for the name part, but in any case you would be wrong. This man woke up without a memory, no recollection of who he was or how he got in front of the Dragons R’ Us restaurant. He decided to call himself, Sandy.

Why Sandy you ask? “Look man I think it’s amazing I could even recall what a ‘name’ was,” he said. “I mean, I woke up and the first thing I did was ask that fire hydrant over there to make me some waffles… I’m still waiting.”

Sandy says he has no memory of his real name, where his family is or why he smells like whiskey and schnapps. All he knows is that the smells of Chinese breakfast foods woke him early in the morning, made him nauseous immediately, and prompted him to explain how, despite the memory loss, he knew what he had for dinner the night before.

This tragic story took an odd turn when, as they hosed off the sidewalk and Sandy was standing on the corner of the street contemplating what to do next with only one shoe, he suddenly said “Boy, Taco Bell sounds really good right now.”

“Wait a minute,” I said, “How do you remember Taco Bell?”

Sandy looked up for a split-second and said, “I don’t know man, I just do. Maybe I worked there in my old life, or was born in the bathroom there or something. Hey can you spot me a few dollars?”

“Maybe…” I replied, my journalistic sense tingling like a spider monkey running down my back. “What did you say your parents’ names are?”

“Phil an…I mean I only wish I could remember. I just wish I knew where I belong in life.”

“Oh come on!” I yelled, “You were just about to say Phil and someone else. Are you sure you can’t remember anything?”

“Um, can you repeat the question?” he asked. “I’m suffering from amnesia; I don’t remember a lot of things. Who are you? I thought I was in front of a Taco Bell, what did you do with the Taco Bell!?”

“Right,” I said. “How do you even know what amnesia is if you can’t remember anything?”

“Uh someone told me, a nice old lady. Wait, what were you saying?”

“I’m the first person you have talked to today. I found you throwing up whiskey outside Dragons R’ Us as I was about to go inside for breakfast.”

“See, I uh, did not remember that,” ‘Sandy’ said beginning to walk away. Or actually sort of hobbling in his one shoe.

“So you’re not going to lend me any money for Taco Bell?”

Booty Excavation for the week of November 8

2006-11-08T22:18:00.000-07:00

With elections just ending last night, some people are happy, some are sad, and some just flat out don't care. Well, in any case, we hope you enjoy this clip on a speech that Bush recently gave. It shows the administration's desire to change and we think it puts the White House in a whole new direction...

Don't be alarmed by the name change, it's simply our way of saying "this is awesome."

College Student Testifies Before Grand Jury About Excessive ‘Poking’

2006-11-08T22:13:00.000-07:00

Santa Fe- New Mexico sophomore Tate “The Grand Teton” Jenkins was called before a grand jury last Thursday to answer for his alleged “excessive poking” after several complaints from young Lobo women.

“These allegations are like, totally unbased and unbiased” Jenkins (no his nickname doesn’t make any sense before you ask) said on the courthouse steps after his session with the grand jury. “I did not; have; a poking; relationship; with that woman, or any of those women dude. I just wanted to be friends with them.”

In my research, I was able to attain a sealed envelope revealing that Jenkins stood accused of poking over 612 women including his sister and women from seven different states.

Of course, there was no official symbol on the envelope and anyone could have written that, but the numbers made too much sense to ignore so I just figured they were true.

One of the women who came forward in protest of this excessive poking, Kara Kary Karrington was present at the hearing but declined to comment as her “shame of being poked by that man was just too great.”

Another woman who would not give us her full name, only B. Spears, was upset as well but for a slightly different reason, “I think he had a fake picture up, so who did I really get poked by?”

At this point I realized that Spears believed Jenkins was being accused of excessive Facebook poking, a playful, yet really, really stupid feature of the networking website Facebook.com in which a person can choose to ‘poke’ someone else who just goes, “Oh, I got poked, that person should get a life.”

“Yeah, isn’t that what you thought, I mean what else could it be?” she asked. “I thought he was a sexual predator,” I replied, to which she looked shocked and confused before running away.

I went looking for another sealed envelope to clear everything up, I had found the first one in an old, hollow tree stump. Meanwhile word of the confusion spread rapidly and the District Attorney of Santa Fe held a press conference.

“There may have been a mix-up,” stated Johnny “I have too many press conferences because I have political aspirations” Law. “We all thought that Tate “The Grand Teton” Jenkins was a predator who overused the word ‘poking’ as sexual innuendo. You know, like ‘giddy-up’ or ‘prosecuted.’

“But new information has come to light and we’re now not, really sure what to do” Law concluded looking around blankly.

“Why don’t you ask Jenkins which it is?” someone yelled from the crowd.

“That’s a horrible idea” said Law, “But I don’t have any other options right now. So,” he said turning to Jenkins, “Which is it, facebook or sexual predator?”

“A little bit of both,” I heard Jenkins reply as I walked away.

Santa Fe is a stupid town.

Awesome Begins to Flood the Country

2006-11-07T07:46:00.000-07:00

In breaking news throughout the United States, a new threat has made itself known. This threat will stop at nothing to spread itself and infiltrate the highest levels of our society. It is known at this point simply as “awesome.” And its reign is alarming people to its awesome ability.

One man from the Midwest claimed: “Awesome is just taking over my life. And it’s not just my life that’s being affected, it’s my wife and children, they’re being overcome with Awesome, too. Soon the dog is projected to have Awesome, and my cars will probably be running over Awesome from here to Atlanta!”

So the question becomes: could Awesome destroy America?

In a growing epidemic, our President George W. Bush held a press event last week in Awesome, Oregon to slow down panic of this largely unknown force.

“I understand this nation is being overcome by Awesome. But we must not fear! We have to stay alert. If anyone experiences attacks of Awesome they are requested to report it to the authorities immediately! We refuse to be destroyed by Awesome, and will make it our solemn pledge to make sure that this whole Awesome thing does not run our country amuck!”

Some people, however, were not so concerned over this Awesome outbreak. “I think it’s kinda cool that we’re experiencing Awesome,” said Jane Wyatt of Denver, Colorado. “It’s not too often that you get large doses of something so foreign, so amazingly awesome. I embrace the Awesome.”

Authorities are claiming they are not properly equipped to handle the levels of Awesome in this country. Ted Hops of the California Highway Patrol had this to say: “Well, we can handle things like Amber alerts from the Department of Homeland Security, but Awesome? We just don’t have any idea what this Awesome is capable of.”

In millions of cases nation-wide, insurance companies are claiming they will not handle cases dealing with Awesome, since no mention is made in any current policies dealing with Awesome. “If someone wants to claim that their property is damaged by Awesome, or that the reason their dog is shaved is because of Awesome, we simply won’t cover that. We’re not prepared to deal with Awesome, plain and simple.”

As the radius grows on a daily basis for Awesome, there’s little left to do but hope and pray that it will not reach the far corners of our nation. An older couple in Arizona claimed that they were madly against Awesome. “We just went on Social Security last year. I don’t want Awesome to ruin that. We’ve got a great thing going, I golf, and the wife sews stockings. If Awesome takes that over, we don’t have much to live for at all.”

Indeed if Awesome takes over, it’s largely unknown as to what may happen. But we do know that the result will simply be awesome.

FOXNews Makes Ambiguous Claims About ‘Future’ War

2006-10-22T22:44:00.000-06:00

FOXNews Channel announced last Saturday that it is moving steadily forward in the broadcast’s quest to “Win the future.”

This vague and weird announcement stems from a popular/unheard of new segment on FNC entitled “Winning the Future,” (seriously) in which the cable network claims they are “Engaged in a modern Trojan War; only, fighting to take the future from evil, ugliness and all democratness, instead of the city of Troy” (not so seriously).

“It’s actually a follow-up to a segment we had about three years ago,” muttered Rupert Hume, self-proclaimed “lieutenant colonel in this great siege.”

“It started a few years back with a segment called ‘Locating the Future,’ which turned out to be a lot harder than many of us anticipated because for the longest time we could not find the damn thing! We spent a lot of time just looking at each other on air and going ‘eh?’ And we just couldn’t win it until we knew where it was.”

FNC finally located the future after someone on the news team randomly said, “So you guys want to smash some mailboxes tomorrow?” “And there it was!” exclaimed Hume. Finally, they were ready to start winning.

But all is not quiet on the Foxy front.

Standing in huddled groups (is it a group if it’s two people and a cat?) outside the studio Saturday were people voicing opinions or something like an opinion over this campaign by FNC.

“Hey! It's not stupid, it's the future and it must be won!” yelled Shafer “ahhhhhhh!” Strechin, the most outspoken and needlessly angry of the shivering masses.

Others, or the one other person, expressed different concerns: “What does ‘winning the future’ mean, anyway?” asked Gloria Estefan (no relation, trust me). “What kind of future can be won? And if we truly are the cheap Chinese food nation we claim to be, shouldn't we already have the future? Is it something you can get in Vegas? What comes out when you get all ‘futures’ at the quarter slots? Where am I? Look buddy I’ve been told not to do autographs anymore, sorry.”

She didn’t conga once in that whole statement. And I was officially scared now.

“Yeah, she’s right,” chimed in Strechin. “Who stole ‘future’ from us? I think it’s some sort of vast wing conspiracy, I’m not sure if it’s the right or left but it’s one of them and it’s unacceptable because we need the future at all costs. Who has ‘future’ now and why aren't we bombing them? Hey where are you going?”

“Look we know where it is now,” said Hume after I ran back to his office to get away from the street urchins. “You look like you haven’t run since the Cold War,” he said. “That has nothing to do with anything,” I gasped.

“Fine, I just want to let the American people know,” Hume prophesized, “That if there is a future, and we’re 87% sure there is, FNC will win it, because the only other option is to lose it and let things go back to the way they were. Or, are going to be. Or, could possibly be if we…I mean, I think it’s important to, um…Get out of my office hippy.”

Find of the Week

2006-10-18T21:50:00.000-06:00

Alright all of you Swords and Trampolines readers, it's time we shake things up a bit. We've decided to introduce a new feature, where we post a "Find of the Week" to share with you. We've scoured the internet for things that make us laugh really hard, and hopefully will make you laugh, too. If they don't make you laugh then maybe you should go home and rethink your life. Booyah.

Congress to Address Immigration

2006-10-13T07:46:00.000-06:00

In a move that has shocked millions of Americans, Congress has vowed to fight this country’s immigration problems, claiming to solve our problems that have been piling up for years.

Their solution?

“We need to build a transcontinental bridge that goes from the border of Mexico into the land of Canada.” Senator Tom Malarkey stated to the press Wednesday evening. Amid laughter from the press, Mr. Malarkey kept a tout face and replied, “I’m serious.”

The reporters instantly became silent, as we all took in this information. And after serious deliberation, why not? Why couldn’t this thing work?

Aside from being an engineering marvel, it’s not so preposterous. Just think: a lonely immigrant tries to cross the border. Instead of going into the US, he finds himself in Canada. Imagine the reaction from the Canadians to that one!

Of course, the borders will have to increase their security from the north, as many people in Congress don’t expect immigrants to stay in Canada very long.

“I mean, it’s Canada! Not even the Mexican immigrants will be able to stand it,” Representative Chuck Logan bellowed. “It’s a long shot, but maybe they’d even trek across the bridge back to Mexico, effectively leaving the real North America alone.”

Certainly the idea could work, if the government would invest billions of dollars to build one of the biggest bridges ever. The idea of building a great wall like that in China is possible too, but far less likely and realistic. I mean a wall? C’mon, that’s crazy.

“Regardless,” Malarkey explained, “this is an issue that will not be finished until we finish it.” Right.

Ironically, the government has already begun drafting workers to begin the massive project, and has turned to its cheapest, most reliable source: illegal immigrants. If that doesn’t run your mind for a loop, nothing will.

Anti-immigration reform policy protestors have already begun protesting in Washington, D.C.

“This is an outrage!” Screamed one soccer mom from Idaho. “What if they get lost on the bridge?! What if it’s too easy to cross?” Indeed, what if the bridge is too easy to cross? What is the bridge even made out of?

Teem Onzabus explained, “Don’t worry. If they get lost on the bridge, there are plenty of signs to help them understand that they’re going the right way.” He went on to explain that the bridge wasn’t just bricks and mortar, like the good old days, but actually consists of traps and trips, just like the good…uh, old days.

“Imagine a trap like in Indiana Jones! And then snakes and ninjas come flying out with their venomous fangs and throwing stars, respectively!”

But where are they going to get all those snakes?

We Be Jamming – An Editorial

2006-10-12T21:45:00.000-06:00

In light of President George W. Bush unveiling a new slogan for his trips about the country to support Republican congressional candidates running for re-election, this publication is determined to take a closer look at the names of some significant and influential events.

The first event of note is the recently concluded gathering in Denver called PeaceJam. This enticing episode hosted eight, 8, ocho, Nobel Prize laureates. That is the largest gathering of Nobel Peace Laureates in United States history, hosting the likes of His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu along with a slew of other prominent peace figures, and the best name they could come up with was: PeaceJam?

“I think it sounds great,” said Reginald “there’s not enough starch in my shirt” Williams. “We just want people to get together and jam for peace, like totally. We don’t want kids to think it’s anything serious, it’s just a jam, and those are cool.”

Did anyone think to tell organizers that the only people who use the word ‘jam’ anymore are musicians right before a jam session?

Now if we were talking about the PeaceJam after party, that’s another story. It was widely rumored that that got pretty crunk, so to speak. The Dalai Lama can do shots like no one’s business (his drink of choice is Jager) and yet maintain sobriety through meditation the entire night. He just kills at drinking games. And Tutu can moonwalk and spin on his head when he hears “All I wanna do is Zooma Zoom Zoom Zoom and a Boom Boom.” Yeah, just shake your rump.

Now, unfortunately, not only President Bush, but many prominent figures are buying into this theory of a “cool-sounding name” for their event.

Franklin Graham the son of Billy Graham, famous evangelical preacher, is continuing his father’s work with a tour of many well-known churches across the country after deciding to call the tour “Pimping the Pulpit.”

Alas it does not stop there, but goes all the way up to the Pope himself. Pope Benedict XVI has announced plans for a Papal visit to the United States sometime next summer and after much contemplating, decided the visit would be called: “Extreme Makeover: Vatican Edition.”

Not to be outdone, President Bush just announced his slogan for last-minute campaign stomping to help his fellow GOP supporters would be under the title, “Dude, Where My Republicans At?”

Editor’s note: All but the PeaceJam is fake. Sucker.

Jerusalem to Enter Car Market

2006-10-06T07:37:00.000-06:00

In a move that was overlooked because of all the recent Middle-East conflicts, Jerusalem announced on Monday that it will begin manufacturing cars in late 2007 to compete with worldwide rivals such as Toyota, GM, and Ford.

Jerusalem Cars, or J.C. for short, will offer a wide variety of vehicles to suit many different applications and demographics.

One of the founding financiers, Yuri Cashmere, talked highly of the emerging company: “Well, it’s an idea I’ve had for a long time, and I think with the right people in place we could be a force to be reckoned with.” From a company that has ‘J.C.’ as its acronym? You betcha.

The first line of vehicles to go into production will be the de Cristo SUV. The de Cristo is set to become a great inspiration for styling of future vehicles, from Jerusalem and beyond. Yuri has called it the crème de la crème, and claims it will shock the world with its’ Armageddon-like stature.

After the first several thousand of those are produced, a more economical car to come from J.C. will be the Iscariot Chariot. Being the cheapest car in the lineup, many investors feel that this car will be the halo vehicle of J.C.

“But don’t worry,” Yuri laughs. “You won’t have to pay 30 pieces of silver for this car.”

With so many cars out in the market today, Jerusalem Cars needed to have a hot selling point, and its producers and engineers found it: it’s all about the J-Drive.

“When driving these vehicles,” CEO John the Mappist stated, “they feel like they have an air-like quality. Some engineers have even said that driving over water makes them hydroplane very much, because J.C.’s just hover over water.”

Enter the J-Drive. With its patented “Savior Grip” system, it guarantees to keep all four wheels on the ground and will stop delivering power once they sense a hostile takeover or sinning.

Another bragging right is the tight turning radius on vehicles like the Iscariot Chariot. “These things repent marvelously,” Mappist said. “You wouldn’t believe how fast they can do a 180.”

Further down the line, more vehicles are expected. In its state of the art facility, dubbed “the Ark,” J.C.’s cars are slated to roll off the line in roughly 9 months. Coming from one of the most sophisticated and largest facilities in the world, which cost 3 billion dollars to build, it’s a wonder how “the Ark” could stay afloat. But the investors say not to worry, for the facility doubles as a flood shelter. How divine.

Cashmere announced that cars will not be the end to Jerusalem’s entry into capitalism. “In the coming years you will see many fine, unheard of products to come out of Jerusalem.”

One that we heard about was the DVD collection of Pilates, entitled “Pontius Pilates.” Time will certainly tell if these products are hit or miss, but one thing’s for sure: Jerusalem’s making a comeback.

Dancer in Stable Condition after Locking but not Popping

2006-10-05T17:38:00.000-06:00

Local professional dancer Shanae Nae Nay is listed in stable condition at Jewish Medical Center today after a dancing accident in which she apparently ‘locked’ but never ‘popped’ late last night at her work place.

Friends and family visited Nae Nay frequently since the incident took place at around 1 am this morning at the Hips of Platinum nightclub in central Denver.

The injury occurred when Nae Nay tried to execute a routine dance move in which a woman “pops it and locks it,” this according to the owner of the club Jimmy “The Gyrating Gigolo” Harris. I would explain what this means but, this reporter is white and does not know dances more complex than the sprinkler.

“She was doing her thing on the side of the stage to get more people involved and dancing” said Harris, “And she tried to pop it and lock it. But she missed the pop and just went into the lock. All the sudden I heard people screaming and the music stopped.”

Bystanders were still shaken up today, saying “It didn’t look natural,” “It was like her hips were trying to walk up her back,” and “I was actually over by the bar, I didn’t see anything.”

Harris, also an experienced rug-cutter, could only imagine the pain. “I have never seen anyone go straight into the lock” he said while practicing his moonwalk to relax himself. “The pop, sets up the lock, it’s the yin to the locks yang, the pelvic to the thrust. You have got to pop it before you lock it or else you…” and he trailed off as he shuddered to the beat of the bass.

There were many theories as to why an exceptional dancer such as Nay, I mean Nae, I mean Nae Nay incurred such an injury, including one which brought the issue of race into play at the predominantly African-American club.

Dance expert Johnny B. Goode said, “Look Shanae Nae, um Nay, is that right? Is that how many there are? Anyway she is African-American. At the time of the accident she was dancing to a remixed version of the classic song ‘Dazed and Confused’ by Led Zeppelin.”

“Now to me the answer is obvious,” Goode continued, “She got hurt because she is an African-American trying to pull off a hip-hop move to a song made by really, really, really white guys. The physics are just impossible. While I admire her for trying, it was just a lost cause. Led Zeppelin was a bunch of really white guys. Seriously, they would think that Hip-Hop was a new sort of dance involving a hippopotamus.”

Cards, flowers, and mix tapes can be sent to Shanae Nae Nay in the care of the Jewish Medical Center. Just don’t send any Led Zeppelin. Or Devo.

New Publication Goes Relatively Unnoticed

2006-10-02T22:21:00.000-06:00

Well folks, it’s time to enlighten you as to what Swords and Trampolines is all about: and the answer is nothing at all.

But seriously people, this small publication is our skewed view of everyday things in our world that we find funny. Or that we feel we can make funny. So we expand these things into some of the most ridiculous thoughts and concepts you can imagine, which is why you might question our facts sometimes. Often. All right always.

With that premise in mind, you might like to know that we welcome people to submit their own ideas and writings to the publication.

Of course, we don’t guarantee anything. We’re not getting paid for this, and neither will you. But if you enjoy a good laugh, have an Onionesque thought process, and believe in the power of word-of-mouth, send us your stories and maybe we’ll run them.

This publication comes months after deliberations on how to create such a project, leading us to what we think is a nice, informal, and flexible format here.

The name stems back to a previous publication we the creators instigated back in ’74 right after we got back from ‘Nam.

Swords and trampolines, though not a good mix (think about it), together somehow capture the overall feeling and scope behind this publication in our mind. And since we tell you what to think here, in your mind too. Right?

There are no specific publishing dates for any of these articles, so subscribe or check back often. We’re taking a “post them as we write them” approach, but we will try our best to have several articles published at once and on a regular (weekly or bi-weekly) basis.

So hey, enjoy our publication. It is not to be taken seriously even though at times it may seem that way. We’re just having fun with this ridiculous world we live in and these incredibly warped minds we’ve been given. We do not take responsibility for bruised egos or mass tree burnings.

-Vagabond and Driveshaft

Local Teen Seriously Considering Getting in Shape

2006-10-01T10:41:00.000-06:00

Denver, CO – At a packed press conference yesterday, local lazy teenager Phillip “I skipped Christmas for a playoff football game against my X-Box” Suburbanite, announced that he had incurred nearly three whole thoughts of getting himself in shape over the past month.

“It all started when I was reading the nutritional facts on the back of a bag of FunYuns,” Suburbanite said during the three-hour press conference. “I was like, this is me caring about my body enough to read, that’s almost like me, you know, doing something.”

Suburbanite had no comment when questioned about allegations that he only read the bag because his mom had thrown it over his eyes in disgust as he lay on his back on his couch “wondering if an ant colony is like a really organized posse.”

The second near instance of something meaningful came when watching a commercial caused an involuntary movement.

“I was there, like on my couch you know, and I was watching this super-intense driving show when this big bug like, smacked into the windshield really hard. It looked like it was coming right at me so I just reacted and dove to my left to get out of the way. Took me like five minutes to catch my breath. I guess it was actually just a commercial for windshield glass, but you would’ve been scared too.”

Suburbanite claims this event made him think once again of being a bit more healthy as he is “seriously considering diving to the left on [his] couch every few days or so.”

It should be noted that his ‘diving’ is really just leaning over to the other side of the couch, but Suburbanite was once again stand-offish when asked about this.

“What do you want from me,” he said during an outburst two hours into the press conference. “You want me to like” and he paused for breath as he had to about five times during his tirade.

“You want me to like” he began again, “Start walking all the way to the bathroom every time I need to go? Because I don’t care what anyone says, I don’t think the plants in my room are suffering at all.”

Gross.

Celebrity Sued for the Sexy

2006-09-25T19:30:00.000-06:00

Justin Timberlake is being sued by a man who claims to have been “bringing sexy back” long before the pop singer’s enormous hit made it to the radio.

“These kids today think they can just make whatever claims they want,” said Esteban Phillipe, the self-proclaimed spokesman of sexy.

Originally from smoldering Argentina, but now based at his home in Bismarck, North Dakota, Phillipe alleges; softly and through locks of casually draped burnt sienna hair; that he has been either “bringing back sexy” or maintaining a “solid state of sexiness” for nearly 17 years this November.

“When I began in 1989” (he actually said that in Spanish as it sounds much sexier) “sexiness was at an all-time low. The ochentas (80’s) had brought many sexy antidotes such as jam shorts, jellies, and Vanilla Ice. I knew something had to be done.”

Esteban’s answers for this epidemic was to buy many types of lotions, cut off the top two buttons on all of his shirts, and grow out his hair so it could always look like he “just rolled out of bed.”

But by far the most important change he made was to buy his now saucy and infamous leather pants.

“I bought seven pairs,” he whispered, extending one arm to lean coolly against a maple tree. Or maybe it was an oak.

“One for every day of the week and a back-up pair just in case. I do not wear them on Sunday, as I determined long ago that sexiness must give God at least one day a week. And if I wear my pants to church women will think unholy things; la Virgen de Guadalupe would be very upset.”

Phillipe, an employee of Bismarck’s local hairnet factory since day one of his sexy crusade, has received many puzzled looks and raised eyebrow from his fellow workers or, as he call them, “confused unsexies.”

When asked about Esteban’s courageous efforts, coworkers replied with such inspired comments as “Who?” “Huh?” and “That guy is weird.”

Bill, his manager, said, “Who are you talking about? Oh, Steve. Yeah, why does his hair always look like he just rolled out of bed?”

“The guy wears leather pants to work everyday,” said Frank, a coworker. “Sometimes he even comes in with a wet, white T-shirt on for no reason. I’m not sure what he’s going for, but he looks like a cross between George Lopez and, well, Jesus.”

Despite the lack of support from some of his peers, Phillipe plans to follow-through with the lawsuit and perseveres with his daily routine of giving sly, sideways half-smile to women he doesn’t know, and standing on street corners flicking his hair back and forth.

“Just like my leather, I am not easily suede,” he said. “I feel like I’m going to punch you” I said.

“My sincere apologies” he continued over the noise of his leather pants rubbing together as he shifted positions like a cricket with, uh, leather legs.

“Do not cry for me, for as long as there are people who still dress like hair bands and wear hemp necklaces with trucker hats, I’ll be here in Bismarck fighting the good fight. In a sexy way.”

Pontiac to Support End of Poverty

2006-09-25T19:08:00.000-06:00

General Motors, the world’s largest automobile manufacturer, announced today that its subdivision Pontiac will sponsor the 2006 G8 summit, and will also unveil its new model, the Pontiac G8 at the same time.

At a press release today, Pontiac’s CEO Willie Luvitt commented “We think it’s time for Pontiac to step up to the plate. We re-introduced the GTO, and have incorporated various new models over the last 2 years. This new unveiling is astounding; I can’t wait to see what happens with it.”

Reportedly, the vehicle will be bigger than the Pontiac G6, which was not unveiled at the G6 summit. It will feature a V8 engine with options for a V12, achieving close to 650 horsepower and 9 miles per gallon (11 on the highway).

While being interviewed, a woman who wished to remain anonymous stated that Pontiac’s vision of the future has changed. “We’ve sponsored a lot of corporations in the past and supported many affiliates. But now we’re thinking beyond Monday Night Football: we’ve reached the digital age.”

What the hell does that mean?

While trying to restore the world to a socialist ideal, leaders from around the world can travel and battle poverty, hunger, and AIDS driving their new Pontiac G8’s. PR spokesperson Suzy Schmlander had this to say of the quest: “We believe there isn’t a more effective way to travel from Central America down to South America. Use the G8, and we’ll see you in Germany next summer.”

God Ready to “Upgrade Earth”

2006-09-25T18:17:00.000-06:00

That’s right. In the never-ending attempt to better ourselves as human beings, our Creator has decided that the time has come to upgrade Earth to version 3.0. During this process, our world will be shut down for approximately 3.14 days, to make sure that the infrastructure of the Earth is transferred completely and accurately from God’s servers.

Digital analyst John Wire commented: “Well, it’s inevitable that God would choose to upgrade the Earth. I mean, it hasn’t been done in thousands of years and there are so many compatibility issues. Software just doesn’t run on the hardware effectively anymore.”

Of course the upgrade could prove to be fatal to many, if God happened to “accidentally” bump the “reset” switch. If such a catastrophe were to happen, God has advised us not to panic. Because it’s all a part of His plan.

Once the upgrade is complete, the rumor is that Earth 3.0 will operate with fewer issues in compatibility, be able to run in 3D modes effectively, and will turn prostitutes into born again Christians.

When asked about the second coming of His son, Jesus Christ, God just laughed: “You know; some people tend to believe that He will make an appearance in Missouri. Others believe He will return to Jerusalem. Some say He’s not coming at all. Others say He’s never been. But one thing we can agree upon: nobody knows when He’ll come.”

For being a guy of such power, He sure is vague. We decided that we wouldn’t get anywhere with that line of questioning, so we decided to ask the question that everyone had been waiting to hear: How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a Tootsie-Pop?

His smile turned to a frown as he replied “No comment. Any further questions can be directed to my lawyer.”